I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
