please come you make the beer taste better
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize