Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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