those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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