If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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