I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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