I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
