I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize