Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
