i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
