She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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