Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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