dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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