Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
