I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize