It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
