sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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