my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
