Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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