I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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