Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
