I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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