Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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