The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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