Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize