I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
