the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
