she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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