Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
