he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
