i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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