The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
