I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
