So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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