I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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