I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
