yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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