Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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