Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
