I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
