i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
