i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
