I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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