I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
