Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
