I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
4 words: hood of his car
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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