woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
