I accidentally had phone sex last night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
