She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
