Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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