im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
