I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
