I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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