"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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