took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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