Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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