i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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