We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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