im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
