Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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