Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
