we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
