when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
