If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
